youth group

sometime i prefer going to youth group then going to church, because youth group is more like fellowship. when i go to youth group it really make me feel that i am apart of God family, we laugh, joke, teasing each other. we love one another like brother and sister, we don't judge one another in fact we pray for them that they will be change. even through they may not seem change but deep down inside their heart they are change in the way we can't see.

i pray that God will bring me to the church don't have big group but smaller group, in that way God can move through me in a powerful way i can't see.

father and son talk

psychical contact is not only hugging or kissing your son on the face, psychical contact is also talking. when the father talking to the son it make them feel comfort and encourage is to affirm the son, a lot of time son need their father to encourage them.
for example like sometime the son will ask why am i so different then any other boys. the reason why they feel these way it because the rejection that come from the boys in the classroom, why they feel rejected it because the boys in the class good at sport but he does't or some boys is strong but he is soft. sometime the son need the father to release that something is going on even through these are the small problem but it will effect the son growing up.

when i was in my primary school, i feel so rejected by all the boys in my classroom. because they all are good at sport, at home i feel that i am in a compering my brother at all thing like study, sport. because of these i really which my dad would have encourage me, saying like you are different then all the boys some boys are good at sport some don't but at the end is you having fun that is the most important. the reason why i don't go for my dad it because i told him that i don't like my babysitter he just ignore me these may seem small in my dad eyes but is really big. the most painful part is my dad compare me with my brother i remember that my dad show that he is proud of my brother by taking the picture with his school uniform that was his first day at the primary school. i was so hurt and i just kept it inside my heart, after few years God say to me Kent you need to forgive you dad.
i was like i have forgive my dad in a proud way, but at the end God help me to realize that i haven't forgive my dad. i was like God why do want to solve the problem in my life, let me just cover it up by just blaming my father.

God show me that there are other way and is the best way, he say to me that i need to have conflict with my dad and when he ask forgive you have to receive that healing of forgiveness. father and son will have the conflict, that conflict will build up relationship with my dad. because father and son will have different life style but at the end the person that love you the most is father.

why am i gay

Why am i gay?
i being asking my self, why do i wanted to be gay. i don't really like having sex with men, i just longing to have relationship with men. at first i wanted to have sex, but latter i fell that is not want i need. after few years the lord show me why do i want to be gay, i because the lack of physical contact with my dad. phycisal contact is not only father huge the son is also father talking to the son. because the father is the want who affirm and comfort the child, because i lack of that and i wanted that so i go for sex. yes some time sex it give me temporary satify, but at the end it will give me emptyness. the reason why i wanted to have sex it, because once i have sex it give me these sexual illustration. that mean i throught i have what i wanted at the end the thing that i have it gain nothing, i was praying and asking God why? at the end God did not answer me the way i wanted, i thank God that he did not answer the way i wanted. it because he is help me not to blame my father for not giving me physical contact i have to learn to acceapt it and let God deal with it. accept the problem is diffrent then blame, because blaming is to cover the probelm accpeat it is to sorve the problem.
these year God is bring back to the past where i am hurt the most, i trying to run away from the hurt but the hurt is still there. the pain of phycisal abuse, condamend word that come from my dad. i try to blame my dad for all the pain, at the end God speak to the pastor father make mistake because father don't learn the parenting skill from their parent. after few year God is helping me to realise that i blame my dad so that i can cover that problem, God speak to me that i need to have confling with my dad  and when my dad is asking forgiveness i need to forgive him so that the probelm can be sorve.

pls God i asking you to help me to sorve the problem..........

healing relationship with my dad

when i was 18 year old, God bring me to youth camp call yldp. i really don't know what God is doing in that camp but i feel that something good is going to happen, the camp was 4 days 3 night and God bring healing to the youth in that camp. 

everybody was touch by it the most hard task that the speaker give it to us is call our family saying to our parent dad i love you thanks for being there for me during the last night of the camp, it was tuft for me at the end i chose to do it by God strength.

after the next day one of the uncle there do altar call, i can't stand at all i need some want to carry me when that uncle come to me i hug that uncle really tie and started to cry out. the word he say to me it was let it go, that make me wanted to cry more. 

when i came back home from that camp, i realize that i haven't forgive my dad for all the past he did to me.  when i started to thing about that i wanted to ask God why do you give me these family, so in 2010 i went to prayer camp and question God why? i really wish that God will answer me, at the end he didn't answer because he know that i got the answer the answer is will you trust me?

i feel very frustrated when God say that, i say trust look what trust have to make me gone through? all the pain, anger, sadness, rejection and loneliness , i say these to my dad i hate these family he just don't understand what i am going through. i don't want to remember my childhood it was so sacredly, and then God spoke to me through one of the pastor from dumc. these is what he say:" ken i saw you in the place of darkness and there is no hope and light, God is saying these to you i am there for you even through you can't feel that i am there i am there.
after awhile God give me peace, when the time i have to go for counselling i don't really wanted to go but at the end i go. the second time i go for the counselling God told me these, while i was going to the train station God say that if you can't see God hand how can't you see he is working in your life. and when i told pastor that she say to me let just put trust in God hand and then God starred to bring healing.

i am still in the healing session, healing with my dad relationship. is not going to be easy, i just ask the pastor there why do i have to face these now? the pastor answer if i don't face these now it going to be with me for the rest of my life, after the prayer that come from that pastor i cry out to God while i was crying i feel God is comforting me. i don't really understand what is God doing but i will trust him.

it have been awhile that i haven't update my blog, tell you the true i have be a tuft time. i have to deal with my pain my shame my struggle of homosexual, i was so a shame why do i have these struggle why does i desire to have one night stand.

i tried of these feeling of shame, i which some want would cover my shame. i am looking for a guy but i can't find that anywant can cover my shame not even my father. i can't tell him everything i can't talk to him becuase i am confuse and don't know what to talk. even throught i want that flim affirmation that came from my dad but that won't work. i really am tried. God i know you are doing something something that i can't see i just have to put my trust in you.

God i need you i can't do these anymore, i can't express how i feel deep down inside my heart, i am confuse and full ashame i which that there will be a short cut but there won't be. i wish that i can have one night sex with a guy so that i can feel good about myself but something seem not right. God i tried of these feeling and i don't know how to express my feeling toward my dad. i can't tell him how i feel he always blame me he just don't understand and i don't really want him to know errr..... why isn't so hard to tell my dad how i fell


i confuse and so shamefullll....... God help me

just put my trust in the lord

there is a time that we lost our hope and faith

there is a time that we lost our love once

there is a time we wish that some want will be there

to heard our cry and pain

and there you stood for me

you hear all my pain and my cry

lord i need you to pick me when i fall

lord i put my trust in you

there is a time where i lost my way

there is a time i feel broken lord

lord i need you healing and guide to be with me

lord i put my trust in you

there is a time i broken you heart

there is a time where i feel useless lord

there you grace empower me

and pick me up when i fall

just put my trust in the lord

that he will provide

that what i needed in life

just put my trust in grace

and his unfailing love

that he will pick me up when i fall

there is a time that we lost our hope and faith

there is a time that we lost our love once

there is a time we wish that some want will be there

to heard our cry and pain

and there you stood for me

you hear all my pain and my cry

lord i need you to pick me when i fall

lord i put my trust in you

there is a time where i lost my way

there is a time i feel broken lord

lord i need you healing and guide to be with me

there is a time i broken you heart

there is a time where i feel useless lord

there you grace empower me

to pick me up when i fall

just put my trust in the lord

that he will provide

that what i needed in life

just put my trust in grace

and his unfailing love

that he will pick me up when i fall